Just get on with it.

Suck it up, buttercup.

I don’t understand why you are so stuck.

What’s wrong with you?

Those weren’t comments from others… but the ones in my head recently. Although I was plugging along enough not to really ‘be noticed’ that something was off, I was melting inside.

So much was happening – and it wasn’t the ‘normal’ chaos I’m used to:

• My parents ignored my birthday. (I know I shouldn’t have felt so upset by that, but I’m human.)
• My girls’ birthday was approaching the covid-world. And I decided it would be a good idea to bring cupcakes and cocoa bombs to their classmates. (Yeah, attempting mom over-achievement! And couple that with my parents deciding not to recognize my own… well.)
• The refrigerator icemaker caught fire. (No kidding!)
• My daughter was violent due to pain. (I had scratches and bruises to prove it, and some new holes appeared in our walls.)
• I felt I wasn’t using my talents well and wasn’t sure how to express that with my employer to make my work more satisfying.
• The heating element in the clothes dryer died mid-load.

I was crying… a lot. I couldn’t think. I was tuning out. I was reacting to little things inappropriately.

It turns out I had something called situational anxiety. Situational anxiety is exactly what it sounds like: it’s anxiety (often accompanied by depression) that occurs in response to a specific situation.

And according to my psychologist, it’s on the rise. It’s often due to pandemic-related issues such as work, less access to things you normally do or have, and the feeling of being trapped.

The thing is: most people can cope with one or two issues that pop up like this. But when so many happen at once, you may need some help.  I know I did.

Frankly, I was not keen on taking a leave from work, as my therapist suggested. I was embarrassed to share how out of control things really were with my employer. My employer has always been understanding and flexible, and I appreciate that. But a week off? I did not want to fail them or myself in my role. It felt like I was giving up.

But the more I listened, it felt like it was the only thing on my plate that could be taken away. After all, I need to keep my girls safe. I needed to deal with my household appliances blowing up. And I need time to sleep. (Lyra had been up for 36+hours with what turns out to be an ear infection. So I was up with her. Combine that with my own anxiety, and I was only getting about 3 hours of sleep a day.)

And it helped. Although I am not completely refreshed, I know that I can now move forward and have space to think through solutions.

I’ll admit, this wasn’t easy for me to write. But I realized I needed to share this because I am not alone with situational anxiety – not for empathy, but to show that there are always options and one cannot (and should not) do this alone.

Note: There are several national organizations, like Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) and National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), that can help you find free or low-cost online therapists or resources.

I only have a few blog posts up and I am already getting some haters.

“Your content is great, but you used canned photos. I want to see the real thing.”

“Did you really make this? It’s hard to tell when you used stock photos.”

“Can’t you take some photos while you’re making this so I can follow along?”

Okay, those aren’t exactly hateful, but it is indicative of people who are so used to the perfect blog post ala Pioneer Woman that they cannot appreciate anything less than that.

Here’s the deal: I am not a photographer.

Sure, I can snap a picture here and there. I have a keen eye when it comes to layout and framing a photo. And I even have the skills to touch them up. However, the last thing I want to do while creating something is to stop every second, take a ton of photos. When I cook, my heart and often hands are in the process of creating. By stopping to set up the perfect photo, I would lose the inspiration.

And there is a more practical reason for this: I AM BUSY.

I have a full-time job.  I have twin teenagers with Autism. I have – and want to continue having – a life.

I blog for the joy of writing and sharing ideas.  Not to impress someone, or hope that I’ll have such a big following I will get to leave that job and have my own show on HGTV or its equivalent. (As someone who worked in TV I can tell you, it isn’t glamorous. It’s much more work than you realize.) (Although, HGTV, if you want to help me remodel my way-too 1980’s fireplace with three types of marble and long narrow mirrors, come on by!)

Look, I’m a marketing communications professional. I know how important visuals are. That’s why I take the time to select and tweak them so they fit with the brand I am establishing here.

This blog is a labor of love for me.  If I feel uninspired by being expected to do something more to please others, it then becomes a burden. Then it just won’t be something I love anymore.

So when people are asking for more, I’m going to say no. My blog; my rules.  I encourage those who are stressing out about ‘being the best’ with their own blog and do what’s right for you.