I took a leave from work… Here’s why

Just get on with it.

Suck it up, buttercup.

I don’t understand why you are so stuck.

What’s wrong with you?

Those weren’t comments from others… but the ones in my head recently. Although I was plugging along enough not to really ‘be noticed’ that something was off, I was melting inside.

So much was happening – and it wasn’t the ‘normal’ chaos I’m used to:

• My parents ignored my birthday. (I know I shouldn’t have felt so upset by that, but I’m human.)
• My girls’ birthday was approaching the covid-world. And I decided it would be a good idea to bring cupcakes and cocoa bombs to their classmates. (Yeah, attempting mom over-achievement! And couple that with my parents deciding not to recognize my own… well.)
• The refrigerator icemaker caught fire. (No kidding!)
• My daughter was violent due to pain. (I had scratches and bruises to prove it, and some new holes appeared in our walls.)
• I felt I wasn’t using my talents well and wasn’t sure how to express that with my employer to make my work more satisfying.
• The heating element in the clothes dryer died mid-load.

I was crying… a lot. I couldn’t think. I was tuning out. I was reacting to little things inappropriately.

It turns out I had something called situational anxiety. Situational anxiety is exactly what it sounds like: it’s anxiety (often accompanied by depression) that occurs in response to a specific situation.

And according to my psychologist, it’s on the rise. It’s often due to pandemic-related issues such as work, less access to things you normally do or have, and the feeling of being trapped.

The thing is: most people can cope with one or two issues that pop up like this. But when so many happen at once, you may need some help.  I know I did.

Frankly, I was not keen on taking a leave from work, as my therapist suggested. I was embarrassed to share how out of control things really were with my employer. My employer has always been understanding and flexible, and I appreciate that. But a week off? I did not want to fail them or myself in my role. It felt like I was giving up.

But the more I listened, it felt like it was the only thing on my plate that could be taken away. After all, I need to keep my girls safe. I needed to deal with my household appliances blowing up. And I need time to sleep. (Lyra had been up for 36+hours with what turns out to be an ear infection. So I was up with her. Combine that with my own anxiety, and I was only getting about 3 hours of sleep a day.)

And it helped. Although I am not completely refreshed, I know that I can now move forward and have space to think through solutions.

I’ll admit, this wasn’t easy for me to write. But I realized I needed to share this because I am not alone with situational anxiety – not for empathy, but to show that there are always options and one cannot (and should not) do this alone.

Note: There are several national organizations, like Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) and National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), that can help you find free or low-cost online therapists or resources.