Just get on with it.

Suck it up, buttercup.

I don’t understand why you are so stuck.

What’s wrong with you?

Those weren’t comments from others… but the ones in my head recently. Although I was plugging along enough not to really ‘be noticed’ that something was off, I was melting inside.

So much was happening – and it wasn’t the ‘normal’ chaos I’m used to:

• My parents ignored my birthday. (I know I shouldn’t have felt so upset by that, but I’m human.)
• My girls’ birthday was approaching the covid-world. And I decided it would be a good idea to bring cupcakes and cocoa bombs to their classmates. (Yeah, attempting mom over-achievement! And couple that with my parents deciding not to recognize my own… well.)
• The refrigerator icemaker caught fire. (No kidding!)
• My daughter was violent due to pain. (I had scratches and bruises to prove it, and some new holes appeared in our walls.)
• I felt I wasn’t using my talents well and wasn’t sure how to express that with my employer to make my work more satisfying.
• The heating element in the clothes dryer died mid-load.

I was crying… a lot. I couldn’t think. I was tuning out. I was reacting to little things inappropriately.

It turns out I had something called situational anxiety. Situational anxiety is exactly what it sounds like: it’s anxiety (often accompanied by depression) that occurs in response to a specific situation.

And according to my psychologist, it’s on the rise. It’s often due to pandemic-related issues such as work, less access to things you normally do or have, and the feeling of being trapped.

The thing is: most people can cope with one or two issues that pop up like this. But when so many happen at once, you may need some help.  I know I did.

Frankly, I was not keen on taking a leave from work, as my therapist suggested. I was embarrassed to share how out of control things really were with my employer. My employer has always been understanding and flexible, and I appreciate that. But a week off? I did not want to fail them or myself in my role. It felt like I was giving up.

But the more I listened, it felt like it was the only thing on my plate that could be taken away. After all, I need to keep my girls safe. I needed to deal with my household appliances blowing up. And I need time to sleep. (Lyra had been up for 36+hours with what turns out to be an ear infection. So I was up with her. Combine that with my own anxiety, and I was only getting about 3 hours of sleep a day.)

And it helped. Although I am not completely refreshed, I know that I can now move forward and have space to think through solutions.

I’ll admit, this wasn’t easy for me to write. But I realized I needed to share this because I am not alone with situational anxiety – not for empathy, but to show that there are always options and one cannot (and should not) do this alone.

Note: There are several national organizations, like Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) and National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), that can help you find free or low-cost online therapists or resources.

Matt and I typically don’t go out on Valentine’s Day. I’m not big on crowds when things are ‘normal.’ And I hate ‘limited’ special menus that many restaurants put out on that holiday. (And if you know the origins of Valentine’s Day, you might reconsider too.)

And even though the girls are 15, they still love sharing valentine’s goodies with their friends. That means I usually need to help make enough goodies for 40+ people.

But the pandemic has changed all that… at least where I am. We’re still officially sheltering in place, so there’s nowhere to go (including school) for us. That doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. Here are some ideas:

I don’t know if it is the pandemic, living in California’s earthquakes and fires, or something else, but I’ve noticed I’ve become an unintentional prepper.

At first, prior to the pandemic, it was earthquake prep. I got my emergency supplies ready and started buying some MREs (basically freeze-dried meals) and some water.

When the fires started getting bad, I packed some more. I took one of those plastic mini dressers and packed extra clothes that I could easily grab. I invested in a fireproof document container. And more MREs and water. My husband, Matt, thought I had lost it entirely when I announced I had purchased us some masks to help us if we faced some bad smoke.

The joke is now on him since we had masks at the beginning of the pandemic when there was a shortage. But the pandemic also had me prepping as well. I bought 50 lbs each of flour, rice, and beans. Tons of meats were frozen (thank you extra freezer) and canned goods and pasta were piled up.  Our garage is loaded!

It wasn’t just the hoarding; my mindset had changed in other ways. I began saving the scraps from veggies and froze them. I looked at a piece of meat and thought about how I could extend its leftover use.

When it comes to leftovers, my mother-in-law had a system where it often meant reheating the same meal for another meal. A reheated meal three times a week wasn’t my husband’s ideal dining, and certainly not mine. With a little creativity, I learned I could stretch my meat for at least one different meal, and at times, two or three meals.

So enter Thanksgiving, where, even though we’re a small family, the meal is large: a big turkey, more sides than can fit on a plate, appetizers, and many desserts too!

Since I am not one who enjoys eating turkey sandwiches for a week, I came up with some yummy options that make leftovers joyous.

Elizabeth’s stacked thingy. My old friend (and great artist) Elizabeth Phillips made this for me one year after Thanksgiving with leftovers and since then I was hooked. Essentially it’s a layered open-faced sandwich of leftovers. I know I told you I am not a sandwich person, but when this baby is topped with delicious hollandaise sauce, it’s something spectacular. And I make it every year. All you have to do is start with toasted bread and stack on all the items you want: turkey, dressing, veggies, cranberry sauce, warm the sandwich a bit, then top with the hollandaise.  DA BOMB.  Don’t be scared off by hollandaise. You can make in the microwave easily:

• • Take a 1/2 cup butter and melt slightly (not completely… about 15 seconds). Mix 3 egg yolks and 1 tablespoon of lemon juice together then whisk into the butter.  Let sit for about a minute, then microwave, stopping every 15 seconds to whisk.  Keep cooking at 15-second intervals and whisking until smooth and thick.

Turkey Broth. You cannot have enough bone broth. It is the base of so many additional meals you can make and really inexpensive.  Remember those veggie bits I’ve been freezing? Things like carrot tops, celery bits, onion ends, garlic – all make great additions to this.  Essentially take the turkey carcass and add to water with salt and veggies. Bring to a boil and simmer all day.  (Or if you are like me and have an instant pot, pressure cook 60 minutes.) Strain the broth and let cool. Freeze it for use later. I typically make soups with it, including pho and matzo ball soup, which are family favorites.

At 5 am, I wake up, throw on some clothes, grab a cup of tea, and boot up my computer. I have about 2 and a half hours to crank in as much work as I can before the day actually begins. You see, at 8 am, my family wakes up. Then it’s a rush to get the girls fed, dressed, and online by 9 am for school. Between 9 and 5, my husband and I are typically on video calls, emails, writing, and more. And that doesn’t include the time spent making sure the girls are online themselves several times a day – and actually doing the work.

Sound familiar?  It should. Millions of other families out there are doing the same in these times of sheltering in place. And let me speak for nearly all families (which I have never done before), we’re all exhausted.

As a parent, we all wear a lot of hats.  But since the pandemic hit in March, we’ve also been adding so much more to the ongoing job duties.  For me – and other families with kids with disabilities – it’s just too much to bear.

We can’t give 100% to anything at any given time. And it is showing.

Those, like my husband and me, who didn’t lose their jobs and are able to work from home, are straddling career demands and their kids’ development. We know we’re lucky to have understanding employers. But it doesn’t stop the feeling that we often need to choose between our kids and our jobs, several times a day.

Don’t get me wrong, things are never all ‘sunshine and roses’ when it comes to parenting children with disabilities. (Hey, I am sure it’s not for parents of typical kids as well.) But COVID-19 has had an additional impact on children with special needs because so much of the help that our children have a legal right to has disappeared.

Under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA), children with disabilities are legally entitled to free educational services that are tailored to their own needs, from physical therapy to speech therapy to an in-class aide or assistant. Yet with COVID-19, many families, including us, have found that those needed services and supports are nearly non-existent.

For example, last year we fought hard with the school district to get one daughter a one-on-one aide to support her, as transitioning and loud noises in her middle school, caused violent outbursts when she was left on her own. Now in high school, she still has an aide. However, that aide can only work remotely with her due to the pandemic. When there are transition issues now, there is only so much the aide can do. It’s up to Matt or me to drop what we are doing and address the issue. Sometimes this can take a minute or two; other times, it’s an hour or longer.

Then there’s my other daughter, who is thriving with remote learning. It’s turned on a switch in her and she’s excelling. It’s something no-one, including us, has ever imagined. Yet, being more severe on the Autism spectrum, she needs constant tending. Someone needs to make sure she is online and active, which means a person needs to be present with her for every lesson. The school is not helping us in any way with her, which means someone at home needs to take the helm.

Think of it this way: the schools are expecting parents – many with full-time jobs – to be a teacher, a teacher’s aide, a physical therapist, a speech therapist, an occupational therapist, a PE teacher, and, let’s face it, the IT person. I don’t have enough room on my head for this many hats, nor the expertise to do it well.

Then there are my own COVID-19 woes. As the school year started, I froze due to being so overwhelmed. The continual ‘too overwhelmed to do anything’ led to depression, since I felt I was failing on all fronts.

I now know has been quite common. According to a Boston University study, depression has tripled in the US since the pandemic.  For me, I tuned out and barely did enough to get through the week.to be honest, if I hadn’t turned things around and worked a bunch of 50 to 60 hour weeks, I might have lost my job.

What turned it around for me was to ask for help. I asked for help at work to finish a major assignment. I sought out a therapist. I strategized with Matt ways to lighten the load. And I began focusing my energy back on creative endeavors: I canned tons of plum jam from fruit from our tree. I began pickling. And I have reorganized and redecorated my home (especially those walls with all the holes as a result of my daughter’s frustration at not being able to speak). 

There are days I can’t stand my spouse or my kids. It’s not that I love them any less. I just can’t stand being with them 24/7. I am tired of fighting with my daughter that yes, she needs pants before going on a video lesson. (Seriously, it’s an everyday fight! She wants to embrace the COVID lifestyle so much!)  I am more often annoyed that my other daughter, who needs routine and plans ahead, asks me daily when is the exact date she can go back to school. And when I answer, ‘I don’t know,’ she throws a fit. If my husband keeps ignoring all that laundry that’s folded and just needs to be put away, I’m going to scream.

I’ll admit it: I enjoyed my time away from them while working. I enjoyed being with different people, co-workers, and colleagues. I enjoyed taking a walk and picking up something to eat at a cool, hip – or even not so hip – restaurant.

Being at a ‘workplace’ also gave me boundaries – even when I worked from home while the kids were at school. I knew what I needed to achieve and did it. Being at home with the girls blurs the lines of priorities. Of course, it has to; there’s no way around it.

I wish I could end this with some sort of inspirational ‘you don’t need to be a supermom’ kind of thing such as Kristen Gillibrand did. Or share some message of hope or say that I am strong enough. The truth is there is no one answer or even easy solutions to something this complex. 

In the end, only I can advocate for what’s best for me and my family. And what I advocate for at this moment is… a nap and a place to hang my hats while doing so.